I can remember when we found out we were having a baby. October 2011. We hadn't planned on her, to say the least. In fact, we were at a point in our relationship where we were really looking closely and examining what our future was suppose to look like. I found out in the tiny bathroom of my Edmond apartment I was living in to pursue a degree, which I hadn't actually gone through with. I cried when I saw that it was positive. I may have cursed some too. I wasn't afraid of a baby, and it was never a question of keeping her. I just didn't know what I would do. I was terrified. How would I take care of this baby? How would I afford her? What would people say? What would my mother say? We weren't married yet. I had just dropped out of college. I worked part time. My (now fiance) was still in school, and working part time at starbucks. We had no savings. no future. no plan. I needed a plan.
I remember Tristan's first reaction, as I told him through blubbery tears. Calm and collected, as he always is, Smiling widely and simply saying "awesome!". ... what? I remember thinking.. "I'm already a terrible mother!" He hugged me as I cried to him "What are we going to do?".. He told me "We're going to have a baby.".. and the rest is history.
I remember my pregnancy being long. I remember telling people in the beginning, just waiting to hear the shame in their voices, but it never came. I remember this sweet baby being celebrated from the beginning of her very existence. I remember gathering together with our family and friends to find out the gender. I remember baby showers, sooo many baby showers. This sweet baby girl has always been the most loved child I've ever known...
...and then she was born, and the love poured out ten fold.
Somehow, I always felt like something was missing before Fern was born. I never knew what I wanted to do, or who I was, completely. I tried finding my identity in so many things. A piece of the puzzle was always missing. Being a mother has taught me everything about myself, and I'm still learning every day. She's truly completed me.
She has this joy that overflows from her expressive eyes and smile, and she just radiates this love. From a very young age, it seemed that her mission in life was to make people smile. I'm talking, 3 months old, this girl would do anything to get a giggle out of you. Apart from her insane love for food, and dancing, that's still a number one priority for her. She is goofy, and I love that. She is sweet, and I love that. She is ornery like her father, and I LOVE THAT. She takes her time when she's exploring, she's careful and methodical. She's determined, and most of the time, she's on her own agenda. She has these eyes. These eyes that everybody comments on every time we go anywhere. She's beautiful. She's smart. She loves cuddling with her bunny and she gets so excited when any of the dogs pay attention to her. She is crazy about her dad. Those two could play together for hours and if all I ever did was watch them, my life would be so full.
This past year of her life has been the absolute best year of mine. I ache to see her baby pictures and remember when she was small, but I'm SO excited to watch her grow and discover new things, and become the person God has designed her to be.
Lord, let her love hard. Guide us in teaching her sympathy, empathy, trust, and honor. Shape her heart, and use her gifts, and personality. Use her stubbornness to never give up. Use her sweet heart and courage to love people, and stand up for people who aren't being loved. Use her determination to take her places, and give her life fullness. Bless her with the ability to reason and feel, and not take people for granted. Give her boldness to communicate. Give her trials in her life that won't break her, but bless her with other perspectives. Give her trials that will shape her into a more loving and gracious person. Give her a heart for mission. If her heart continues to crave exploration, protect her as she travels. Bless the man she marries with a compassionate heart, and a lot of patience. Let her be exactly who you've designed her to be, and teach us how to plant and grow that in her. .... oh, and please be with her as her beauty grows. I pray that she learns not to use it for evil. It'll be easy for her to do. Those eyes. gah.
